What if, what if, what if....

I had an[other] emotional breakdown today. Kind of a freaky one.

For the last several months I've been thinking quite a bit about death. (stop freaking out, I'm not suicidal) I think it started with all the suicides and accidents happening to people my age recently. It seriously had me freaked out, but it's gotten worse.

What if something happens tomorrow?

What if I or someone I love dies tomorrow?

What if I never get to say goodbye?

What if... What if... What if....

I think one of the big reasons this has come up more recently is how many things I've realized are my last somethings. Last year in junior high, last year with all of my friends before we all go our separate ways, last voice lesson until what seems like forever, and every time I say goodbye to someone. I just feel like something is going to happen.

It's kind of an eery, ominous, foreboding kind of feeling. I feel crazy thinking about it, but what if it's a sign? What if something really is going to happen, and these are just warnings to not waste any time?

Like I said before, there have been several events that have added to this now hysterical freaking-out-ness. One of the other ones that really solidified all of these and pieced them together was reading Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. I kept thinking about what Captain Beatty said to Montag.

"This is happening to me."

"What a dreadful surprise," said Beatty. "For everyone nowadays knows, absolutely is certain, that nothing will ever happen to me. Others die, I go on. There are no consequences and no responsibilities. Except that there are. But let's not talk about them, eh? By the time the consequences catch up with you, it's too late, isn't it, Montag?"

Pretty creepy, am I right? Well, that really got me thinking. A lot. And it hit me hard today after I was coming back from my last voice lesson. I'm going back in September, but I keep feeling like this was my last one, ever. And I burst in to tears.

Darn those hormones.

So I started to voice all of my worries to my mom (lucky her!), because I had her pretty worried when I started crying with no warning. This turned out to be a pretty good idea, because she gave me some excellent advice. (Don't you love moms?)

This was my very favorite thought she gave me, and it was a HUGE relief:

• Thoughts are just thoughts. You don't have to believe or accept them. They exist and come and go, but that doesn't mean that they're true or ever will be.

Byron Katie has a really amazing website/book/theory/etc. that my mom was telling me about. She has some steps you should take when unpleasant/negative thoughts come up (which I have had plenty of, lately):

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

5. Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning), and don't forget to find three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.

An example on her website is the phrase "Paul doesn't listen to me." Here's how you do it:

1. Does Paul NEVER listen to you? (if false, skip #2)

2. Re-evaluate. Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE??

3. How do you feel when that happens? Angry, sad, frustrated, frightened... any negative emotions.

4. If you didn't have this thought, would you be happy? How would your life be better if you didn't have this thought?

5. "Paul sometimes listens to me" "I never listen to Paul" "I never listen to myself" If any of those are true, you need to re-evaluate. Put the first in a positive form, flip it around, and put it to yourself. What you'll often find is that you are often everything you claim the other is.

That's just a taste of what she teaches (which you probably didn't want to read, anyway), but I would read it on her website. It's really, really good.

Anyway, this can work for my problem, too. Yes, bad things CAN and MAY happen to me, but the idea that they WILL is false.

Obviously, this thought freaks me out and scares me to death. If I didn't have it (or, as my mom and Marci put it, "Huh. That's interesting that that thought keeps coming up. Good thing I don't have to believe it."), I would be much more relaxed and much happier and cheerful.

"Bad things never happen to me." Not necessarily true, but still more true than the other phrase. Definitely comforting :)

You don't need all the details of this chat with my mom, but I came away from it much, MUCH happier. Still kind of creeped out, but I have more time to think about it, and time to find it out for myself!

No regrets!